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The first thing is the fear of God. so I didn't fear God as a child and that child as a kid, Billy did not fear God, but Billy didn't like God that God was watching him. It's little Billy that ended up thinking he killed God and just stabbed God in the back.. it was that mythical god that's like old and has a long beard and white white robe and stuff like that.. and so yeah Billy went to God's imaginary universe finding God's sword 🗡️ and used it in God's back. I was about 5 or 6 years old and from then on Billy continued to think that there was no more God ... Billy continued on believing that there was no God and turned up in high school that he(me) would look into like the existentialist the nihilist the books like you know he liked the books like the Camus "The Stranger" and thought it was intense in high school and started to look into those,.. since I was homeless as soon as I graduated high school, I was sort of angry that that happened but I don't think I was angry at the time. I was too high to be angry but yeah I tried to, at that time that I was trying to kill myself through drugs and I knew this and was aware that I was doing that and wanted to make that happen just slowly die that's result of being on drugs, so God at that point wasn't there but he did give me my body so I wanted to hurt my body and the get back at God, that was what was going on.. we, I continued to have thoughts of suicide just hurting myself till reaching a bottom of homelessness and destitute and all that. At my first rehab.. I lost my train of thought so at my first rehab I started to think that I could possibly make myself stay on sober and clean and I started to try that. so that's that's what I did many many times.. I realized and went back and then tried again .. I keep trying again and as it was everyday would be a horrible day for year after year, it seemed to relaxing and year after year horrible days whether I stay clean or not and yeah I had no way to enjoy the program or staying clean and my friends suggested I wake up and ask for a good day to whatever is there.. or isn't there or whatever could be a higher power for me and ask for a good day and I never did that .. I wasn't even going to say the word God for a long time.. in the beginning of my program my 12 step work, .. I did not say the word of God and I was not respectful to God.. I did not believe in God and would not speak to God so after sometime.. I decided to ask whatever that's out there one day.. it's okay, we're going to do an experiment and one day I asked for a good day.. can I have a good day, today, please and it's just a general blanket of anything and everything out there in the universe,. Kind of question and then at the end of the day I would check see if it was a good day.. compared to those hundreds and hundreds of days before that we're all bad .. and somehow the day was better. what it was.. that was better about that day then. all those hundreds of days.., but it was it was a better day.. and that was me coming to believe. So that was when I came to believe, . about God .. so it was starting and got started. I started to do that more and more and it started to happen that I started to get better days after better days and so day after day I got better days this just went on.

So the the days got better and the experiment was successful with asking for a better day just blanket statement I got a better day and that's what happened. then had a form of a higher power that's loving and caring and this higher power was able to help me at times just have better days, so yeah and lo and behold, I come to a 12 step program that revisits my childhood.. you know the ACA 12 step programs looking at my childhood and I'm looking at Billy's interpretation of God.. now.. it's a long time when I had to give Billy like a a concept of the 12th step higher power, rather than the one he killed, .. the punishing and the abusive higher power. That God was over, I had now in 12 steps a loving and caring God that would not get me. that would help me and in any way I need it so. It works

So I'm trying to convince Billy that God was not going to get him was hard.. especially since Billy had thought or I had thought that I had killed God stabbed Him in the back with his own knife or somehow in his own imaginary universe.. that Billy had found him in and found snuck behind him and got him so yeah I have a very vivid imagination as a child and at this point you know going back to Billy he was scared and and there's a lot of fear and that's the fear that goes on is that Billy has a fear of God and with a lot of convincing my inner child that Billy need not fear God and need not worry and that God can help and Billy can ask for help the loving parent has a loving parent has a concern for Billy concerned caring loving for Billy and so Billy is what he is he's he's a little child inside of me that fear Scott I did have the buddhistas of the air and and of the Earth come and work with Billy and they would play they were basically play and I could watch them play my head seeing that I'm watching that and sometimes actually drawing that with Billy creating that image with Billy non-dominant dominant hand so yeah they they were essentially not the higher power and yeah they too were loving and caring I'll have the Buddhist Gods so to put it and I have a stop practicing those specific chantings due to the lots of Self in trance lots of myself and the reality itself entrance I'm going away reality going away so I send this 10 to stay clear of the breath focus and repetitive voice which is part of Buddhism and maybe other religions too but yeah I I am staying away from the trans effect on Tuesday grounded in reality and be real as it were

So in a way I'm trying to overcome these fears of what that I have as a result of of Billy and to let Billy know there is a loving and caring higher power that can give good days and good life to me and so I plan to overcome this fear of the higher power that way it is a part of me that fears that that God will seek retaliation for being killed by Billy but there's no no way to explain to Billy without you know just like showing him heal us so that's what I do overcome that fear that goes on inside of me to accept the higher power and to trust higher power and trust myself and accept myself these are all important things that I have to happen

I don't trust them in love higher power but God is a there and got Billy thanks God it's still punishing and explain to Billy that doesn't have the belief on God is I try to tell him it might be an adult thing adult thing that I'm Billy just won't understand or can't understand inside of me so that's the fear there inside of me and yeah I'm open to a processes and ways to overcome this but for now it's just what it is yeah okay

Bill N.

Tracklist

1.	Effects Development 1	35:07

2.	Effects Development 2	20:13

3.	Effects Development 3	9:38

Credits

released February 24, 2024

License

CC BY-SA 3.0. See the Creative Commons website for details.