perfect forever by sean thornton
holy, holy, holy...
CW / TW: s*****e, s**f h**m, spoilers:
i began this album originally as a break-up album in very very early 2020, writing in practice rooms and in the stairwell of my dorm in new york, and then it was a "quarantine project" while i was living in my parents' house in pennsylvania because that is what you did in april 2020, and at some point after that it became a quest to find god or something. from februrary 2021—february 2022 it was something that i had given up on completely and forever as there were far bigger fish to fry (keeping myself alive).
mostly, this is an album which is about salvation through pain, reckoning with that which i had called "god", and attempting to actually come to terms with that which is ultimately and forever out of my reach: the tao or brahman or whatever, first through abstraction, then through actual submission, in turn coming to the horrific realization that i am not nor was i ever dying (i literally just went through an extremely routine break-up), and that i should probably stop trying to kill myself.
briefly:
songs 1-3 demonstrate the death of a "god" (substitutive satisfaction) in romance (the break-up album bit), and then understanding the pain of the break-up as a demonstration that there is actual force in the universe.
songs 4-6 demonstrate attempts to understand this power in human terms, attempting to submit to it first through sexuality and violence but eventually my means of submission comes closer and closer to annihilation, in song six i think the idea that i cannot capture it this way—the face of the love-object which had been mixed up with the actual power finally dissolves completely.
songs 7-9 show me dissolve, as i try to explain that i cannot explain what i am trying to relate, and eventually, in the finale, turn back to myself, as i try to reckon with the fact that i had never known (nor will i ever know) the actual face of god; that a break-up should not be the death of a god, and that trying to reflect that power in self-harm was not a great idea.
although i cannot say that i enjoyed making it at all, this album has meant a near-infinite deal to me over the past 2+ years, and had seen me through four different homes, and the also near-infinite number of pretty major and often traumatic experiences which arose alongside these primarily awful 26 months of my life :)
i hereby resolve to stop wallowing.
Tracklist
| 1. | edith says | 5:42 |
| 2. | ruby giants | 7:09 |
| 3. | four angels | 7:59 |
| 4. | thru your eyes | 6:32 |
| 5. | silence, part forever | 6:43 |
| 6. | my red hands | 7:15 |
| 7. | holy fire face reveal | 3:48 |
| 8. | hallelujah hollow me out | 4:23 |
| 9. | saint chaz final battle | 20:44 |
Credits
written december 2019 - february 2021 and recorded between march 2020 and februrary 2022 in my bedrooms in ridley township, pa, manhattan, and brooklyn, ny.
some synth + drum samples carried over from the recording of the half-aborted "ultrathin reference bible", which was recorded october - december, 2019, and even more were carried over from the recording of "blue-gold ephemeral", september, 2018 - april 2019.
everything by me except for:
jackson resnick played half of the guitar solo on "my red hands" (april, 2021; any parts that sound like they were played with a pick are probably him), and helped me endlessly in february 2022 with final mixing and "mastering" when i decided that not releasing this album was keeping me from individuation
alex peters helped me pirate some plugins and hung out with me while i recorded some of the drum samples that i eventually used for "four angels", (february - april, 2020)
but...
thank you to all the people who surrounded me as i was experiencing the making of this album: sam, rory, george, soph, jackson, trey, alex, my parents, and all (most of) the unnameable rest...
titanic love to everybody :)
