Chaos Demos by Girlpool

Demo recordings from 2014-2017

Avery:
When Harmony first hit me up with the idea to release demos from our last album, What Chaos is Imaginary, I thought it was a really cool idea, but within a matter of seconds some type of fear struck. I watched my mind gravitate toward, “Why? I’m finally getting further and further away from that part of me.” I sat down and listened to the demos and my voice, singing one whole octave higher than where it sits today; it sounded like I’d have to be at least 20 years older now, but in actuality, most of these recordings are only 4 years old. Memories flooded back to when I listened to the demo for our song “Lucy’s.” It was the first song I recorded after being on hormones, and I remember after we recorded the album version in the studio my friends and I laughed about how I suddenly sounded like a douchebag rock and roller (lol). And we laughed about how the demo version was so sweet sounding with my voice all high. I remember feeling so excited to have this new edge to my voice, but it also completely horrified me. I thought at the time, “Now that I sound like a man, do I sound like a dick if I sing this?” Joking — but in all seriousness, I felt so distraught over my identity in Girlpool. The name of the project was gendered, our voices intertwined in a way I couldn't imagine reinventing. Girlpool was my whole life, passion journey, and career. At the time we were talking about changing the band name so I could feel more comfortable. I remember going back and forth on it because I couldn’t tell if it was necessary. It felt so hard to understand what it was going to take to make my life feel aligned. I laid there so unsure and feeling out of control in my dysphoria.

Recently I was joking around with my friend and said, "u know I used to be a hot girl.” She started to Google me and I tackled her to the ground. We wrestled over the phone. “DON’T FUCKING DO THAT, STOP!” I said. We were laughing. She got on top of me and held me down and said, “You’re beautiful. You being trans is a gift. You need to actually start believing that.” I sort of laughed and didn’t really think about what she was saying; I was just trying to get the phone out of her hands and exit fucking Google Images. Days later that interaction was still going through my head. I was thinking, “Have I actually accepted myself? I came out — great, but does part of me secretly wish my past was erased? Do I actually believe that being trans is a gift?“ I couldn’t really answer those questions. My friends know not to play old Girlpool songs around me. I've always thought that was kind of part of the deal with transitioning. I didn't think being uncomfortable had any bigger meaning than that. Like obviously I would feel fucked up cuz I sound like a girl but I'm a man. I think I started hiding myself from my past, thinking, "If I'm not in the room while the song is playing, I can pretend that version of me didn't happen." That's so boring.

I think all of us have felt some level of inadequacy in our lives. These feelings can persist, we have to let them move through us. When I’m down and out about what “I don't have” as a transsexual, I remind myself that the gift I was given in being trans is a simple one; extended geography. I can look back on my history and see my past self as a geography that I feel honored to have had access to. Being conditioned as a woman let me in on experiences I could never have truly understood as a cis man. Although I experience great pain and confusion around this truth, I know the discomfort coexists with my accepting that it has brought me a bounty of self-knowledge. I honor my own path and I'm learning to really love it. Transness is profound. I find it to be very spiritual. Transness challenges us to validate our inner truth over people's ideas of who we are "supposed" to be. With all of this time to myself during quarantine, I’ve been thinking a lot about all of this. When I resist who I am, I want to encourage myself to lean into that resistance and practice holding it tight. Putting these demos out into the world feels healing to me in this way. I can hold my past self and remind that person it doesn't negate the harmony that I feel now within. These demos represent that time. I'm so grateful for Harmony Tividad, who sings all of these songs with me. All of the different versions of them. All of the different selves we've been next to each other on the stage. Love.

Harmony Tividad and Avery Tucker

Facebook
Twitter