feeling yourself by Extra Rogers

released September 27, 2020

i am what i am ¹ ² ³
i go no further ⁴
would you allow me for a second to come home?

it’s just not easy
where am i going? ⁵ ⁶ ⁷
i never know whether i want to be alone

and i tell myself once
i tell myself twice
be easy on yourself
all you have to be is nice ⁸

and it’s just not that easy
it’s not that easy to point home ⁹
and the saddest fucking feeling
is when you’re there and you don’t belong ¹⁰

and then you go further
you cross state lines ¹¹ ¹²
you take advantage of the things that lay before you ¹³
and you still just want to cry

so you sing a tune
as if they’re all listening ¹⁴
but they’re too busy listening to all the things they say ¹⁵

and i’m no different
i’m no more prepared
to be exactly where i want to be
because there is no there ¹⁶ ¹⁷

but i don’t believe that
sometimes i know i’m home ¹⁸
and it’s not about the place
and it may not be the person
but it’s the feeling that you get when you are there
and you belong

or maybe you just forget what it’s like to be
what it’s like to be at all
at all (ooooh!) ¹⁹

and there’s no point in pretending
it’s all one big lie
your brain is just a million neurons
firing a cell across the wide ²⁰

it’s an infinite expanse of contradiction
it’s a community of millions
working together considered one ²¹
it is not the body ²²
and it is not yourself ²³
it’s not the consciousness
it’s just a grouping of cells

that are electric
they are yourself
you are an electrical machine ²⁴
just like everybody else ²⁵

but that’s not really such a bad thing
’cause there’s no bad at all ²⁶
and we’re all in this together ²⁷
as far as we know ²⁸

the solipsistic universe doesn’t really make sense ²⁹
even if you believed it
you wouldn’t really believe it anyway ³⁰

and that’s the same thing
it’s the same thing about life
whether we’re alive and experiencing ³¹
doesn’t really make a difference does it?
operationally it feels like we’re in control ³²

we’re alive
and we feel things
and if that’s not proof enough
then there’s nothing else out there ³³
no thing to grab on
no hooks or jugs or handles
no levers to push down
no buttons to depress
that’s for yourself ³⁴

and you’re a witness
to all that you are
or at least all that you see
or at least all you comprehend
or at least all you acknowledge ³⁵
in yourself ³⁶

it’s just a fraction ³⁷
it’s a little blip
in an infinite expanse of nothingness ³⁸

you’re alive for one second
and then you black out again
and this happens at least a million times or more
in your lifetime ³⁹

we string together the frames the photos
the pictures that we see
and we build a story around it ⁴¹
but really there’s nothing but the trees ⁴²
and the sand ⁴³ ⁴⁴ ⁴⁵

and the garden ⁴⁶
and my friends
and our cousins ⁴⁷

it’s just one more example
of what we feel to be true
and though we cannot prove it
or even prove to ourselves ⁴⁸

we are alive
we are alive
we are predicted ⁴⁹
we are solicited by the force ⁵⁰

and we swipe across the ether
and we feel something move
across our hands
across our limbs
and through the hair we grow out
so we can feel the wind ⁵¹

or whatever
is in the space
that is the space ⁵²
that occupies
all there is ⁵³

which amounts
to something greater than nothing ⁵⁴
even if it’s infinitesimally close
greater than zero but no greater than that ⁵⁵
it’s still goddamn enough for me

all we see
all we are
all we feel
all that’s rea— ⁵⁶

~

¹ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Law_of_identity
² en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Am_that_I_Am
³ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ātman_(Buddhism)
⁴ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Illusion_of_control
⁵ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avolition
⁶ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vagrancy
⁷ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flâneur
⁸ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-compassion
⁹ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homesickness
¹⁰ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Belongingness
¹¹ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Florida_v._Georgia_(1855)
¹² en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Georgia_v._South_Carolina_(1990)
¹³ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_privilege
¹⁴ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Recognition_(sociology)
¹⁵ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Egocentrism
¹⁶ en.wiktionary.org/wiki/there_is_no_there_there
¹⁷ www.youtube.com/watch?v=uth3OhqGEBs
¹⁸ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doublethink
¹⁹ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eternal_oblivion
²⁰ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hard_problem_of_consciousness
²¹ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ego-state_therapy
²² en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mind–body_problem
²³ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philosophy_of_self
²⁴ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Automaton
²⁵ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Materialism
²⁶ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moral_nihilism
²⁷ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theory_of_mind
²⁸ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Consensus_reality
²⁹ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solipsism
³⁰ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Functionalism_(philosophy_of_mind)
³¹ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Consciousness
³² en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cogito,_ergo_sum
³³ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evidentialism
³⁴ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Major_depressive_disorder
³⁵ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-awareness
³⁶ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delusion
³⁷ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Problem_of_induction
³⁸ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gödel's_incompleteness_theorems
³⁹ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociation_(psychology)
⁴¹ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meaning-making
⁴² en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interstate_95
⁴³ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Existential_nihilism
⁴⁴ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metaphysical_naturalism
⁴⁵ extrarogers.bandcamp.com/album/trying-to-be-an-artist
⁴⁶ springlakeranch.org
⁴⁷ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monogenism
⁴⁸ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reformed_epistemology
⁴⁹ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Predestination
⁵⁰ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Will_of_God
⁵¹ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phenomenalism
⁵² en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Space
⁵³ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Universe
⁵⁴ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emergence
⁵⁵ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infinitesimal
⁵⁶ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Existential_crisis