Fade by DestroyerMariko

A song of survival.

Released on 23 November 2024, the first anniversary of my soul dog Hope's passing. That hit me so hard that I almost did end it.

But the story of the song is longer than that. It was born in 2020 during lockdown when Henry Decrier wrote the original instrumental demo for me to throw my vocals on. It was meant to be for a band, but certain events coincided with Hope's first medical crisis requiring a blood transfusion and intense treatment, and the project never went ahead. However, the lyrics were so meaningful to me that I kept them, and in 2022 I put together a fresh take in my own style. I've been sitting on it ever since, telling myself I'd eventually re-record the vocals to polish things up. Mental illness does what it does though, so eventually I had to accept that perfectionism was holding me back. On top of that, the original demo vocals from that time remind me of everything I went through with Hope, so it feels more meaningful to keep them and the raw authenticity of Fade's journey... a tumultuous mess... 100% appropriate.

I wrote the song about battling chronic depression: the determination to get through each episode, to see through the negative thoughts and feelings that seem so convincing at the time... but also the acceptance of having to recognise your limits, choose your battles, and recharge. Today might not be the day you recover. It's okay to rest. Just hold on as best you can until you do find whatever you need to push back once again.

But it doesn't just have to be about depression. I've also been told it speaks to those who've had other challenges to overcome, such as addiction.

I welcome the listener to hear their own meaning in this song.

Whatever your struggle, please take what you need.

Tracklist

1.	Fade	4:57

2.	Fade (demo) feat. Henry Decrier	4:51

Credits

released November 23, 2024

All art and music for Fade by Mariko Gray.
Instrumental track for Fade (demo) by Henry Decrier; vocals and mastering by Mariko Gray.

In Memory of Hope Mochi Gray 11/5/12 - 23/11/23

Special thanks to Henry Decrier for allowing me to publish our original demo as a bonus track! Without you, this song would not exist.

Thanks also to: Kit Wing Fu who was there for me when I didn't realise just how much I'd need it that day; my Wise Godmother and my brother Dave who've let me vent some seriously distressing stuff; Noctica, whose music, realness, and journey helped provide the spark I needed to get this done; Edmond Thommen forever supporting my wordsmithing; my psychologist now that I finally found the right one; my Cult of Destructionism on Patreon, especially Arn of the Apocalypse, Nervous Neuron, and Schizoid Angst; all my friends, family, and other supporters; and my puppy Triton AKA Orical Hope For Atlantis, who saved my life and got me back into the world again.

License